so.
i was all set to tell you about the way my days have filled up this past week, between babysitting, prep for a big birthday party, the actual party, the various ‘turns’ that people took to entertain us (well, mum and i less so, as we were in the kitchen for the first half of the party) including some of the boys doing a set as ‘Take This’. and now.
now, i just don’t think that’s really the point. but i’m not sure what the point is.
and now several (read: one) days later, all i have to add is this:
i was talking to my dad today in the car on the way home from newport and i was telling him that i was scared that there would be either no news or bad news tomorrow because i’m really hoping for good news and no more delays, and he was saying that this is a time for learning, and i was thinking again of the cobalt season, time will tell. which is where the title of this post is from. that time is the teacher that we never choose. i didn’t really want to have to learn right now (except for things to do with urban kids ministry) and so learning to be patient and trust… thats a lesson i needed to learn, but maybe didn’t want to. and so, hopefully my prayers are becoming more truthful, i’m trusting and leaning and learning… and i’m glad of that, but also, i’d like to move. i’d like to join in. to not be standing still waiting anymore. but that’s not up to me. its up to the people who deal with visas, and more importantly (and pertinently), it’s up to God. so.
anyway, that was all.
so, today, i spent my morning entertaining a small boy. he told me stories (i’m not sure what they were about. much like the homeless man i met on monday night at the nightshelter who wanted me to answer a question… though i’m still not entirely sure what that question was…) and then he cried and needed rocked to sleep, and then he ate a yoghurt (ah, petite filous!) and then, i handed him back to his mum, who he was overjoyed to see.
i’m feeling a little bit restless. we joined the library today, and i’m kinda hoping not to be here when the three week lending period on the books i took out is up. i’m finding it hard that there’s nothing i can do at the moment to change the situation. and so, i’m trying to keep learning and remembering that this is why we need grace. eeeshk.
which is why i’ve googled ‘cheap flights to phl’ a couple times recently… BA are having a sale at the moment (ends feb 9th… maybe i’ll hear about my visa before that and i can book cheap flights?!)
and my computer has pretty much died… it’s been 4 1/2 years, so it’s had a good run, but it means no spotify at the moment, and that makes me sad.
really, i have nothing to say right now, i just wanted to put something out there… (oh and i’m doing the kids talk at church sunday, about transformed lives… any ideas?)
whilst i still get those moments of, ‘er, should i really be here at the moment?’ life is settling down somewhat. i’m going through to glasgow again tomorrow to ‘get excited about new york’ amongst other things with laura.
today, i made hummous. and it tastes good. and man is there ever a lot of it… YUM YUM. mum and i have been trying to use up whatever’s in the cupboards and freezer and so when i made a ‘moroccan-inspired’ mushroom thing (adapted from a random recipe i found on BBC good food) and only used a half can of chickpeas, i thought i’d better put the remainder to good use. along with another cup and a half of dried chickpeas rehydrated for this purpose…
anyway. i’ve been trying to use up whatever we have and it’s been a good discipline for me, along with reading a book called ‘the thrift book’. all good things, learning to live on less and live well on what you already have. (and yes, i realise that i am living and home and sponging off my parents- case in point, ‘i’ll need to borrow money for the bus to glasgow tomorrow’- and that it’s not like i’m on the breadline, but still, i hope you understand the intention.. i’m trying. and that’s what it’s about, right?)
just some random thoughts. live well.
can you tell i’m back on a song-lyrics-as-titles kick? (i’ve done this a few times over the years, but it never lasts as a permanent feature.)
today has been productive so far. i’ve not showered yet, but i am dressed, and covered in paint. bathroom wall and ceiling paint. hurrah, i have finally got around to painting the bathroom. not completely yet, because we don’t have masking tape, til mum comes home with it, but the first coat is pretty much done. yaaas!
clearly, i’m a pro, i had my music all ready, and the tools…
more proof, (as if you needed it) that i really am a pro…
and before you ask, not a kit-kat, but the tesco free-from version of one…
anyway, apart from the excitement of actually getting around to doing something that needed done, i’ve had a really good couple of days. i saw a friend on friday who reminded me of just how much fun we had at uni and yet how much neither of us really want to go back to that time. this part of our lives is so much more, taking those lessons and running with them .
saturday, we as a family headed up to Newport, our old village, where my brain was taxed trying to remember the difference between lattes and cappucinos, but it was really nice to see old friends and just fit again. we had dinner in st andrews, a place with a lot of memories for me, so that was a great way to round out the day.
on sunday mum had invited the students from Gorgie to lunch, so there were (including us) about 17 or 18 people in our not-huge flat eating the chicken curry and veg lasagne that mum and i had prepped and cooked in the preceding days. really enjoyed getting to know some of the gorgie lot better, and one conversation prompted todays second listening choice, Grizzly Bear.
then, hurrah! i got to talk to my friends in the US of A. a fact which made me very happy, and gave me some food for thought, which i’m sure you’ll hear about in a little bit.
monday, i met up with another friend who has known me through uni and who was my president when i was on committee for J-Hill. she’s currently doing relay and thinking about moving to turkey for a year to do homestart. it was awesome to wander along the canal with her and to hear about her year, what she’s been learning, struggling with, rejoicing about, and generally how she’s been doing. it was really good to be able to be asked those questions in return and do my best to open up in honesty to her. because she’s already had a year of my life being able to ask those questions and expect honesty. so that was fun.
finally, like what you like. not because you’re supposed to. who cares what everyone else thinks?
(my mum thought it’d be fun to take pictures of me first thing in the morning. bedhead. great. thanks mum. )
so, i realise that it is the middle of January, but, i feel like it’s possibly a good time to review the year. especially as i’m in a waiting, learning moment, and it helps me to be able to look back. (only to january, maybe some day i’ll look back through this whole chronicle of my life. i started this in august 2003. 2003! nearly seven years ago!)
so. in chronological order.
January.
i resolved to enjoy life for what it was.and then i met a homeless lady, called sarah. (i’m pretty sure she was called sarah, and i was thinking about her last week. i have no idea how she’s doing) i decided to get baptised. i decided to leave the art installation i’d made for my final art project up, permanently. i got baptised. i realised that ‘for emma, forever ago’ was a brilliant album. i recognised how much i love hugs and people. my leaves (art project installation) got … stolen? removed? they disappeared anyway. an old friend asked me some interesting questions.
February.
some other friends asked some interesting questions, and i asked them some. i made cookies. i recognised that i am, by nature, a procrastinator and that i needed to be more disciplined, and i thought about lent. i gave up the internet for lent.
March.
was lent. so i wasn’t on the internet, and consequently, i have no idea what i was thinking then. i may have a diary from then, but that’s not the point of this exercise.
April.
i had the privilege of taking one of my best friends to church. i finished and handed in my dissertation. i don’t think i slept much. i participated in ‘the rescue’. i saw Billy Boyd. i was accepted to come to urban in september for the year.
May.
i was still working (hard?) on all my final assignments. listening to some really bad music. also listened to a lot of Juliet Turner (=good music). i spent a LOT of time on this computer, trapped in my room, with the beautiful orange floral curtains. i finished university. at least as far as coursework was concerned.
June.
well, late may/early june (i think…) the flatties and i went to portugal for a week. i realised that at places i think of as ‘home’ i feel the need to be more busy, to have things to do. i appeared on a christian talk radio show. along with some others from our romania team. or at least recorded the show, it went out in july. debbie and i raised money. oh, yeah. i graduated, and turned 22.
July.
our radio show went on air. woot woot. i went to romania for the second time and back to my parents camp as chief cook.
August.
i began to get scared about what i was doing with the rest of my life, why i was leaving behind everyone/thing that i knew and, hurrah, scarted to get scared that i wouldn’t get a visa in time for NJ in september. discovered the antlers.
September.
waiting for a visa. beginning to get frustrated at americans on telephones. and then i flew. and met some crazy, fun, lovely people. began to learn about sharing your personal space, began to get to know these new people a bit better, began to adjust to a new way of life. enjoyed learning about community. loved living with Jordan. got frustrated by Mr S and woodrow wilson politics.
October.
finally took some photos. did a bible lesson. got into the swing of classes and the schedule. just really began to properly enjoy life and feel settled, like these are people that i enjoy being around and knowing, and i feel more completely myself than i had in a while. bought a ton of slurpees. started a penny drive at camp. the banquet happened. enjoyed finding new churches. enjoyed beard banter. took some real photos. halloween carnival. hershey park.
November.
messiah college. developed a bunch of photos. we had the summit. one of my favourite kids hung out with us a bit and we talked. she’s really getting involved with the extra bible stuff, which is really exciting. started reading crime and punishment. chad, jordan and i road-tripped to missouri. spent time with jordans dad and step-mum, which i really enjoyed. spent thanksgiving day on the road. visited the important site of st louis. picked up a bike.
December.
i had to get on a plane to edinburgh. left behind the relationships i was just starting and head back to my family and friends in scotland. i got sick. i went to a moustache party (yay!) i just really enjoyed seeing friends from glasgow and edinburgh. thorough enjoyment. and then, i got on another plane, back to philly. and it was good. took a greyhound to atlanta. drove to birmingham, then to new orleans. wandered in new orleans. visited a plantation. visited the swamps. ate christmas dinner on a balcony. enjoyed my family. had some really good conversation, in person and on the phone. took a lot of photos. drove to selma, and then montgomery. and then it was new years.
January. 2010.
so far, it’s been an interesting new year, i’ve seen all of my friends, on both sides of the atlantic, and i’m being taught to wait and experience the joy in every moment. (thanks john ortberg small group studies)
there’s been a lot gone on this past year, all different things and i’m excited to see where this new year will take me.
anyway, this has gone on long enough. :)
dammnit facebook. i have Karma Chameleon stuck in my head thanks to facebook. (you know who you are, coughmcwilliamcough)
anyway.
so i’ve been in glasgow the last few days, just enjoying catching up with friends and feeling more than ever that i’m in a strange limbo place and that though this was my home and will be my home, right now, it’s not. it’s brilliant to be here, but i feel a little like i’m intruding, this isn’t my real life right now. hmm.
i got the chance to be at the church i call home in glasgow on sunday and that was really nice. actually really nice as well that we (the housegroup i call myself part of) were on set up that day, so it was like i’d never been away. yet, i had, since most people’s reactions were like, hi… wait, what are YOU doing here? so that was fun.
really appreciating this downtime though. it’s hard, because i know there are things that i am supposed to be part of, but they’re on the other side of the atlantic, so instead i’m sitting in the many coffee shops glasgow has to offer and reading books, or meeting friends.
anyway, i should get on and go meet another friend. it’s a hard life, right…?!
(maybe today, i’ll hear about visa stuff, pray really hard friends! that would be so good!!!)
lover, please do not fall to your knees, it’s not like i believe in everlasting love…
you’re all going to feel like you’re living my life with me, since i’m giving you the blow by blow…
today, mum and i did the Rosemary Conley DVD work out.. felt so good to do some exercise.. then i covered my head with mud and clingfilm (sorry, no photos…) finished making Dad’s birthday present and then, make some daal and curry.
and i have photographs.
so, i finally got a hair cut and re-dyed…
and i made a journal for my dad,
and, i made curry. and daal. yum.
and that was my day, pretty much. apart from the sewing machine breaking (boo, sad face) and, uh… i don’t know what else happened.. OOH! spotify! today was sponsored by: laura marling, juliet turner, florence + the machine, Jon Foreman and yesterdays favourites, fun. the antlers and the low anthem. YAY! music!
fin.
what’s yours is mine and mine is yours.
so, i’m back in edinburgh, enjoying the perks of having wifi in the house, and my computer (working again, hurrah!) back… which of course means that spotify is back in my life. phew.
today, i’ve enjoyed fun. the low anthem and the antlers. a good day, i feel.
of course, having a computer and continual internet access also means that i can waste lots of my time on said computer surfing said internet. hmmm.
however, today i also managed to get up at a reasonable time, go into town with mum, get a new book, some craft supplies and make a start on birthday gifts for my dad and sister. pictures of which i may well post after the fact… wouldn’t want to ruin any surprises…
so, i’m still stuck in limbo, waiting for this visa situation to clear itself up, and just wondering what on earth i am going to do with my life come whenever. also, who i really want around me, and what that means- geographically etc. i’m feeling the tearing of my heart as to people, people in Glasgow that i miss and then my friends in Camden that i miss too. the bonds that have been formed in each of those places and the wrench it is to not be… wherever. yet, i’m fully enjoying the experiences of being in each place. it’s not a stretch to say that i get homesick for Camden whilst in Scotland and vice versa. (though, only for the people, really.)
anyway… i’m mostly rambling. in fact, i’m entirely rambling.
The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul
so, my friend Kelsey (an amazing woman who is living in Marghita and working with the kids in the orphanage in Romania that i’m part of a team doing camps for) wrote this post a couple days ago, and i read it yesterday, and although i don’t know any of the particulars, i do know a lot of the kids in that orphanage and i do know a lot of what they’ve gone through, because they’ve told me. and so, when i read this post yesterday, my heart almost broke. because these kids do not deserve the life they have been handed…
and so, when Kels says,
“So why even try God – what ARE we doing in Popesti? This stuff happens all the time. I know it. So what is the point – if it’s going to happen anyway what’s the point?
And, why? Why was I chosen to grow up where I did with the parents and family I had? Why was I allowed to have the education that I did? Why was I allowed to have an incredible set of friends, many who remain even today? Why am I allowed to go to sleep in safety each night in a warm apartment? Why am I allowed to wake up and put on clothes that don’t smell of body odor and bad hygiene? Why have I been chosen to succeed when they, by no choice of their own, have been set on a plan for failure?
Why?
Why am I allowed to have a relationship with Jesus like I do – have a Christian body like I do – have an amazing network of prayer, support, counselling and accountability like I do?
Why is there some who do and some who don’t?
I could have been one of those kids at Popesti. You could have been as well…”
i get this tug in my chest, like, heck, what ARE we doing? and then i think, i could replace Popesti with Camden. there are so many kids here that are broken and hurting, and though the situations are somewhat different, there is still a lack of Christ in a lot of lives, a a lack of hope, a lack of peace, and yet… and yet there is great compassion, great love, great vision. and then i think, well, instead of Camden, or Popesti, lets replace it with Glasgow… and so the circle keeps turning, and i feel like wherever i go next, whatever i do, there will be need, and my heart will be broken and … and …
and then Kels points us toward Jesus- Romans 5: “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
“God HAS poured His love into me and created a HOPE THAT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
God HAS called me to let this overflow to the kids at Popesti orphanage.
He has called me to do this without knowing how, when or if ever it will create change in them.”
and so, i took heart from that, that it is not all bad, that although these situations may seem terrible, they are not hopeless.
all this to say, i am so glad to be in Camden right now, and so sad that i have to leave again on sunday. i’ve seen a few of my kids since i’ve been back, which is good, but hard, having to explain, well, yeah, i’m back but only til sunday, but then i’ll be back again.. (i should get visa confirmation or whatever on/by the 19th of this month….)
