…orange florals…

i laughed at that.

in my real life, i graduated recently, and boy does that feel weird to say.

Jules and Laci have been tiling a friends kitchen this week, and so i went along to help.

i’ve started this post so many times now. and i want to have something to tell you, the internet. but right now my life consists of sitting in front of this computer trying to organise the rest of my life.

like, yesterday, i spent a really long time trying to work out howto make little origami boxes. it’s pretty easy as it turns out, just need to work out you translate that for a bunch of romanian teenagers. and teach the rest of the teams. i also made eight posters. i also drew a moses basket in the bulrushes. and made a strawberry shortcake cake that fell apart a bit (alright, the top fell to pieces all over my table) but that i still cobbled together and while it doesn’t look pretty, it’s pretty tasty. or maybe that just cos it’s full of sugar.

it’s possible that in the midst of all the busyness, i’m feeling like ‘fail’. like i’m finding it hard to do things right, to get my life on track. i’m scared about the future (i think, i hope, i pray that i’m going to be in america for the next year or so, but right now that’s in God’s hands and i’m scared) and about uncertainty, i’m scared of disappointing people, of ‘letting the side down’, of having not been prepared enough. i guess i’m mostly scred of what i’m letting go. the things that i want to hang on to, and the things that i’m having to let go of.

i really want to hold tight to my friendships and relationships in and with this city, this country. i’m learning to let go. but its hard. because what am i letting go for? new relationships? that’s scary. new relationships in a new city, in a new country? that’s even more scary.

and ok, i have been given a great capacity to make friends, but those deep lifelong friendsips don’t come along so often, and i don’t want to miss out.

i think mostly i’m beginning to learn to let go of my selfishness. i want to stay here and be an important part of other peoples days. i like being needed and wanted, and i guess i’m scared that i lose out on that being away.

i think thats a good lesson for me to learn though.

there are lots of new starts going on round here too though. a new kitchen for my friends. some weddings, some new chances- new flats, new relationships, new experiences.

summer is a time to be refreshed, to relax, to enjoy, to just be. i think i need to learn to be more often.

but then there are all the endings, moving out of my flat, finishing uni, saying goodbye, all the scary things that are going on.

so i’m not sure what i really wanted to say from all of this. that i’m scared but excited, and feeling really challenged by this:

(one of our posters for camp)