giving with no expectation of return

Posted: January 2, 2007 in musings on life and death

i was siting in my room trying to get myself motivated to do some work (yup, didn’t happen) and i got an email, so i thought i’d go through y emails, delete some maybe.. anyway, i came across all the ones i’d saved from one of my best friends in the last few years of school. i love my friends from school, but me and jen were really close. i think i told her just about everything. she knew how i felt about nicky, mostly about gareth and everything else in between. we would just send each other these random emails for no reason other than we had nothing else to do. with roz it wasn’t quite the same, we were really close, but she was more of the long rambly email type and much as i love her, she’s not jen. the saddest thing is that even back then, there was so much angst, gill was being needy and didn’t know how to tell us. i don’t really want to drag up old dirt, its really not worth it, but i think we all got really hurt by gill and jonny and i’m not saying it was their fault, i think it was two way. i know i didn’t make enough effort. at the time i was just so wrapped up in myself that i didn’t really want to get all that involved and have to put in so much effort. but i should have and not doing it hurt all of us i think.

even though there were bad times and we grew apart, i still love these guys, and i spent new year with them, and it was different but it was good. i still find it takes us a while to get back into the swing of it. i feel sad that we’ve grown apart so much over the year and a half we’ve all left school. both roz and jen kinda spent last year drinking as much as possible and doing all those student things. which is cool, but because i, although being a student too, haven’t been drinking til i puke, or going out with lots of people or whatever, i feel we’ve lost some of our common ground. i just haven’t seen them that much, and i supose i don’t make it any better by not coming home or visiting much, but i guess i just wanted to invest in glasgow. it has been, since first year, my home. i don’t want to feel that i’m losing these relationships that did mean so much to me, but i don’t want to compromise myself.
hopefully it’ll all work out. i’m not giving up yet anyway.

ramble ramble ramble.


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