calling all angels

Posted: January 13, 2007 in musings on life and death

well, its been an interesting two days. little frustrated at how much i have to take home to glasgow and how little space i actually have. i am so so so not looking forward to moving out of my room, ever.. so much junk. unreal.
anyway. today was nice.mostly just on my own, with my dog for company. was making tea for my parents- their christmas gift. so i made a fragrant thai green curry and a fresh cocnut, tomato and cucumber relish-y thing. oh and polenta cake for after. it was nice. they were off at the team leaders day all today.

yesterday evening i got a call from dawn, to let me know that Bob’s dad had just died. he had a heart attack. unexpected. nick- bobs brother is still in china. amy- bobs sister has two small boys who aren’t going to know their grandpa as they get older than this.
I barely knew mr rafferty, but he seemed like a really nice guy, he loved his son, was at pretty much every gig taking photos. anyway. its very sad. and i feel for bob. but its funny, dawn is so concerned about me- needs to make sure i’m ok- i’ve not been bereaved, not this time anyway- that was october, when granny died. anyway.

i’m not sure i fully worked through all the emotions around granny dying- everything just happened so fast. there was so much going on. mum got a bit upset yesterday, she still has things to sort out and i think she does get a bit lonely being in the house on her own- both meggie and i have moved out and dad quite often has to go on business trips and shes just found herself a bit cut loose from her old way of life, including granny and pharmacy- which she has officially retired from now… how scary.

i was just thinking today, what would i do if i lost my dad? i really feared for a while when jenni was meeting me to tell me about granny that it might have been mum or dad and they’d been bitten on the boat or something, i was so scared. and it made me miss them so much more while they were away. i never usually miss them this much, but i was scared and alone and grieving. and i know that this isn’t nice, but its true – i don’t think i would have been as sad if it had been my other gran- that is such a horrible thing to say, but i think its only because i don’t know them that well. whereas granny was part of my weekly life in newport. i picked her up in the little yellow car on a sunday, mum and i took her shopping in marks on a wednesday when i was home and free, i teased her, i laughed with her, i got frustrated with her, i just knew her as well as a granddaughter could. and ok i wasn’t the best granddaughter, but she accepted me as i was.

and i can’t imagine what my mum went through and what bob and amy and nick are going through, i don’t want to lose my dad ever. and i know it will happen one day, but i don’t want to think about it, because it would mean my mum was on her own. and i don’t know how jan copes. its been over a year since she lost iain, since jules and jenny lost their dad and i don’t know how they cope with it. but i know that god is in control and we just have to take it one day at a time and pray for the safety of our loved ones.

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