his ways

Posted: February 26, 2007 in religion/relationship

i think i’ve been learning a lot recently, about my self and my need to be honest and the challenge to be vulnerable. tonight at cu we had two guys in to talk about apologetics. well, nicj was there for that, johnny was there for prayer ministry etc, which was really good. i felt i had a few things on my heart that i needed to chat through and so i spoke to johnny and he prayed for me. mostly it was about this one person i know who is always challenging me, who always has new questions, new ways to try and defeat me, make me “admit” that my faith is a sham, that i am illogical to believe what i believe and who i always end up having conversation-debate-arguments with about my convictions and beliefs with and johnny just really spoke into the situation, realising that i neede release from the burden of having all these doubts poured on my head, all these tough conversations which didn’t always come at a goodtime, which did make me re-evaluate myself, and he allowed me to want to be free of that. he just poured blessing onto the situation and just had some real insight into the kind of things i needed to spoken to about.

tonight was good for that, for recognising that no-one is perfect and that there is a lot i need to sort out with my Father, God who created me. the things He wants to speak into my life but has no chance because i am too busy, ignoring, bypassing, serving. its ok for me to need to have my space i don’t have to be constantly serving others, loving them, caring, putting them first, twisting my own life around their needs, although i will still and my whole career is and will be oriented around the people i meet and serve and love. and i need to do that in order to fulfil who God created me as. it was just really reaffirmed for me tonight that i will find out and need to remember who i am in Christ. that i will grow in love and faith and knowledge and i will have my heart broken over and over for people and situations and areas. that i will never stop loving people, that i will continue to encourage, to laugh, to be joyful, that i will never stop being who i was created to be. that i must centre myself in my Father. that He loves me and that it is this love that i will be pouring out, that my own love is not enough, is too finite, is too conditional to be enough, that i need to be filled and refreshed by Gods love but that i must draw near to him in order to have that refreshing and refilling.

i really hope and pray that i will discover more of what God has for me in the new year, that, come the spring, i would awake to a new period of my story, that i would grow and be challenged and challenger, that the truth would penetrate the hearts of those i know and love, that i might be a witness and that my story would resonate would be relevant would be at once mine and someone else’s story. that what i have would be used for Gods glory and would help you that i would be used but not burned up, that i would be a good steward and that His blessing would be on allthat i say and do.

its a big ask, but i believe in a big God, one who does not and cannot fit into my little box. one who knows me intimately and loves every part of me, who challenges me, who rebukes me, who encourages me, who disciplines me, who cares for me, who directs me
He is bigger than anything i could ever imagine, He is always around and will help in times of need, He is just and righteous and loving and compassionate and i know virtually nothing of Him yet. i have so much to learn and always will. the more i learn, the less i know. He will create and He will provide, i just pray that He makes me equal to the challenge, equips me and directs my steps.

  1. Debbie Sandwich says:

    i heart sooz

  2. keir says:

    Surely this post misses the biggest challenge of all, the thing that would make you most vulnerable, ie reevaluating (under the cold, hard light of logic) your belief in “the father”. To “challenge” yourself within predefined boundaries (ie Christianity) is not to challenge yourself at all. You feel uncomfortable and flooded with doubt, that is because you beliefs are being genuinely challenged.

    Why is it you find yourself in doubt? perhaps because underlying that doubt is a level of your conscience that can see the truth in the criticisms of your “faith” (another word for irrational belief)

    You (being some sort of fundamentalist christian) and I would probably agree on one thing, there is only one truth, there can only be one truth, and there is no such thing as “relative truth”, 2 + 2 = 4, no matter who you are, what culture you are from etc. So given there is one truth, that is true to EVERYONE, how are we to find it? Not everyone has a bible, not all humans come equipped with them at birth, Christianity is not universal, however, logic, is.

  3. suz says:

    to clarify, i never said i was “uncomfortable and flooded with doubt” those were not my words, i don’t usee myself as some sort of “fundamentalist christian” though i do believe the truth of the bible, and i don’t have time right at this moment to reply properly to your comments, because i was meant to be at committee 4 minutes ago and counting. however, rest assured i will be back to talk about this.

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