antony went to his death because he thought he’d never feel this way again

Posted: December 21, 2008 in life, love
Tags: , , , , , ,

in the interests of trying out this whole integrity, honesty, being who you really are thing thats been floating around among some of my friends…

today is, so far, a bad day. 

i don’t know why, there have been a few lovely moments, but currently as i write this, i am not in the christmas mood, i have a lot of work of various sorts to try and get my head round and i just read postsecret and cried. 

church was good this morning, but i just felt… off. there’s an incongrous neon dancing sign on the roof of one of the flsts out my window and that, for some reason just makes me sadder.. its all alone. and so am i- the flat is empty, laura just left, so its only me. i don’t think i would have coped with a flat on my own this year. 

this week has just been a bit strange overall, last week of term and last week of us all being together as a flat for 2008, kenny and i went out twice- dancing, and then i went out again last night with laura. and i really enjoyed myself, but i am feeling so incredibly single right now, and its been hard, though i’m not sure that its what i really want or whats right for now.. but still. all these people hooking up, getting married, going out.. much as i love all of that (and don’t get me wrong, i really do love all the couples in my life right now) i am just really not a part of it. and that is hard. so each time i was out..i was craving that affection. but me being me, i am no good at that game, so i just had a really nice night each time dancing with my friends. but as the week went on and i went out again and again (this is so unlike me, especially since i managed to last past 1am each time..) i was pushing those boundaries of how much i should drink. so while i was never comatose, nor was i ever really drunk, i was more tipsy than i’d wanted to be. 

friday night was weired too… i ended up at this gig (which was excellent, if you haven’t already, check out rosco, eskimogo and ben td they are awesome..) but i ended up on my own. and cos it was quite quiet… i don’t mind being on my own in a crowd, but this was more of a gathering. it was a night of good music though, so… 

wow, i haven’t written like this in a while. 

anyway. whew,i think i feel better already.. :) i think a nice cup of tea and some present making will do the trick..

  1. emmsy says:

    i bookmarked this to read again later, and then kinda lost track of it somehow… hence the late comment.

    i was moved by this blog. moved by your honesty, your willingness to admit that sometimes life is hard. that it hurts. i wish i’d been at the eskimogo gig with you. (and just in general!) i can identify with a lot of what you wrote. thank you.

  2. suz says:

    thanks emma.. i guess i used to admit to life hurting a lot more back toward the start of this blog, but then lost my nerve.. anyway. glad you enjoyed it.. if enjoyed is the right word to use.. :)

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