the upside down

Posted: October 9, 2013 in life
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

this life is quite a rollercoaster.

i’m in the midst of a stomach-churning unknowning. a lot of you know this about me: i am not a natural decision maker. i don’t like to say that this is what i want.

whether that’s because i feel unworthy of it, or because i value your opinion more than my own… i don’t know, but i do know that i am not good at making decisions.

and yet.

yet, i have been here, here, in this place for four years. and at several times i have chosen, and articulated that choice, to be here. i want to keep seeing the good work that is growing here.

but then the unknowning comes in. i do not have permission to remain here indefinitely. so i have to work through the system in order to do what i have chosen to do.

this is why i don’t make decisions: it’s so much work. and it’s tiring, and messy and disappointing. and i have no control.

so, i’m waiting, sitting in the tension. i’ve filed to extend my visa, and the governnment is wary. they want to know more, they’re pushing back against us. we have another shot, one that i’ll grasp with both hands, the last chance to choose this thing.

but if that fails? if this piece of my life is over…. pheeeuw.

there’s a ball of lead sitting in my stomach. i don’t know how to articulate these things. i love this, what life is right now, but i am also so excited to see friends in scotland/the uk. but if i leave like this, i’ll be overwhelmed with sorrow. and yet, there are so many great opportunities out there. but what about longevity? about being stable, creating and providing safe spaces?

but, but, but, but… 

there is nothing that is further from my control. there is nothing i feel more things about. there are so many tiny tiny threads connecting my heart to each of these possibilities…

yet… the bigger thread, the one that i am learning to lean upon, give my trust to, dangle unknowingly from… is the one that connects me to Jesus and his purpose.

sometimes, that’s enough. knowing that Jesus has me.

sometimes, that just makes my throat itchy, makes me want to run and scream, and say ‘NO! let me have THIS thing. screw you! i want what i WANT.’ 

there have been a lot of deep breaths, of long silences inside my head. of feeling… how do i burden you with this… and yet, how do i not?

there are a lot of people involved. some of them know, some are aware of the things that are swirling. some, a lot, important people- my kids- are not fully informed. last they knew, i was applying for a new visa. and the deadline was approaching. they don’t really understand what that even means. i haven’t yet told them that there is a real possibility that this may not work out the way we want it to.

how do i tell them? especially… how do i tell them without breaking down and just freaking them the fuck out? (sorry mum.)

i’m having a hard time concentrating on work. at least on anything that is not relating to kids or people. but i’ll get it done. because as a good friend said: we will do our best for you, because we love you. so i’m taking her lead.

and i’m going to keep choosing. choosing resurrection. choosing relationship. choosing love. choosing open-handedness. choosing to trust.

god have mercy.

  1. niallybeag says:

    So I am clearly not as easily shocked….

    For a woman who says that decisions don’t come easily. You decided to go to Camden in the first place. You decided to fight immigration when they almost kicked you out under a visa waiver. You decided to wait for the visa to be granted. You decided to do another intern year. You decided to stay (for three years) with no prospect of catching up with friends in their home place. You decided to stay in order to show that someone cares for kids who have never understood that care or love exists. You decide daily to answer calls on your cell from those very same kids. You decided (and continue to decide) to live frugally, simply and sacrificially in order to show those of us who are rich how it can be done. You decided (and then published!) a list of 100 life goals. You decide to get up each day in order to give, love, show grace, show mercy, laugh with, cajole, challenge and care for young people who have never yet had anyone show anything positive to them. You decide to change a life every day.

    You have decided to appeal the Visa. You have decided to stand up to petty bureaucracy. You decided to side with people who are rooting for you, fighting for you, loving you.

    You cannot decide what will happen. Let go, let God.

    You have decided that God is God, that Jesus died for you, that He wants (and you let) His Spirit to dwell in you.

    Whatever happens, know that you are loved, that we are massively, immensely, lovingly, amazingly proud of you.

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