Posts Tagged ‘kiddos’

someones always coming around here

Posted: November 3, 2013 in life
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i just spent the better part of the afternoon reachig out to the world… from the little cocoon that i’ve made of my messy room. still in my pj’s, but i called a lot of parents about the allnighter tomorrow night, and i wrote to people about the messy place that i’m living in with visa things.

anyway, i wanted to keep reaching out, right? and there are a few things that i was thinking about the past few days that are awesome, and i don’t want to forget them, nor their shiny beauty.

-shydel. one of my first camp kids. he would come around just itching for a fight. talking about knives and people who had made him mad. hurting for a listening ear, and a soft hand on his head, and someone to care. so tough. so young. so responsible. the caretaker of his beautiful younger sister. wearer of too-big hand me downs.

-an eighth grader this year, who wrote a stinking beautiful poem about love.

be patient / and kind and / loyal too. before / you say those / powerful words / i love you / love is strong / and powerful too / you see loves [in] people / eyes in relationships to / show they really love each other / words are so powerful / and we never know / what state of mind / someone is in at any / time. you choose your words, / but you cannot choose the / affect they will have / on people. always speak / out of love or your heart. / true power does not / crush others, but helps / them to see their own / greatness. 

sheesh.

-Jailene and Adrianna talking about apples on the way home last night: Adrianna wanted to know exactly where an apple came from, past a seed, where did the seed come from? Jailene ‘i don’t know the whole history of a apple!’ (apparently we should be covering that in high school or college or something.

 

that’s really all for today, exceot the sky is so blue out of my window, and the leaves so red, and it’s just so much beauty.

this life is quite a rollercoaster.

i’m in the midst of a stomach-churning unknowning. a lot of you know this about me: i am not a natural decision maker. i don’t like to say that this is what i want.

whether that’s because i feel unworthy of it, or because i value your opinion more than my own… i don’t know, but i do know that i am not good at making decisions.

and yet.

yet, i have been here, here, in this place for four years. and at several times i have chosen, and articulated that choice, to be here. i want to keep seeing the good work that is growing here.

but then the unknowning comes in. i do not have permission to remain here indefinitely. so i have to work through the system in order to do what i have chosen to do.

this is why i don’t make decisions: it’s so much work. and it’s tiring, and messy and disappointing. and i have no control.

so, i’m waiting, sitting in the tension. i’ve filed to extend my visa, and the governnment is wary. they want to know more, they’re pushing back against us. we have another shot, one that i’ll grasp with both hands, the last chance to choose this thing.

but if that fails? if this piece of my life is over…. pheeeuw.

there’s a ball of lead sitting in my stomach. i don’t know how to articulate these things. i love this, what life is right now, but i am also so excited to see friends in scotland/the uk. but if i leave like this, i’ll be overwhelmed with sorrow. and yet, there are so many great opportunities out there. but what about longevity? about being stable, creating and providing safe spaces?

but, but, but, but… 

there is nothing that is further from my control. there is nothing i feel more things about. there are so many tiny tiny threads connecting my heart to each of these possibilities…

yet… the bigger thread, the one that i am learning to lean upon, give my trust to, dangle unknowingly from… is the one that connects me to Jesus and his purpose.

sometimes, that’s enough. knowing that Jesus has me.

sometimes, that just makes my throat itchy, makes me want to run and scream, and say ‘NO! let me have THIS thing. screw you! i want what i WANT.’ 

there have been a lot of deep breaths, of long silences inside my head. of feeling… how do i burden you with this… and yet, how do i not?

there are a lot of people involved. some of them know, some are aware of the things that are swirling. some, a lot, important people- my kids- are not fully informed. last they knew, i was applying for a new visa. and the deadline was approaching. they don’t really understand what that even means. i haven’t yet told them that there is a real possibility that this may not work out the way we want it to.

how do i tell them? especially… how do i tell them without breaking down and just freaking them the fuck out? (sorry mum.)

i’m having a hard time concentrating on work. at least on anything that is not relating to kids or people. but i’ll get it done. because as a good friend said: we will do our best for you, because we love you. so i’m taking her lead.

and i’m going to keep choosing. choosing resurrection. choosing relationship. choosing love. choosing open-handedness. choosing to trust.

god have mercy.

on joy

Posted: August 4, 2013 in life
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these thoughts have been mulling around in my head for the last week or so. this is where i’m leaning into.

i wrote that last post amidst wrestling with the consequences of working with kids and teens who have never experienced loving boundaries. i wrote it from a place of scared frustration. and it is all true, these are the things that i am struggling with and learning from the most right now. but there are also so many things that are cause for great joy and celebration.

one ‘something’, that i’ve realised this week, is that i have gotten to be here for the long run. it is an incredible honour and privilege to be part of these kids lives on a regular basis. to know that the majority have seen the whole of me, that we’ve built relationships of trust, and that they understand that i’m doing what i can. it’s nowhere near perfect, but i’ve been given this gift of relational ministry time for this period of my life, and i love it.

it’s been four years, and i still love what i do. i think that says something. that even in the midst of the frustrations, and although there are days that i can i think of a million other things i’d way rather be doing, at the end of each day, i know that i’m taking steps toward creating safety for a group of kids who need it. and i’m getting to know them. and they’re getting to know me, and so see my heart, and hopefully something of what the kingdom looks like.

i was encouraged these past weeks by friends, and interns. i had sent out an email expressing some of the ways that i was being challenged and stretched this summer, and one of the responses allowed me to breathe again. it helped open up my lungs, gave me a chance to see grace, to feel justice. to move with mercy.

i think a lot about what to say to these kids, and so often i get caught up in the rush of all the other stuff we need to do, but this week, i took the time out to really talk to them, about the way that i’ve experienced Gods love, and the way that we’re seeking to show that to them.

living a life of mercy, walking the path of peace, generating justice, seeking grace? these are things that i hope i never forget to do. i hope that i will always seek Jesus face in the faces before me.

abandoned… unabandoned…

Posted: October 7, 2011 in life
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well.

it’s been really quiet around here. for which i am sorry. but life is just so dang busy.

not that that’s an excuse…

anyway. two jobs later, i’m in this country for the meanwhile, and life is back at full speed ahead. i’m juggling facilities at urban with directing an afterschool program. and some days it’s enough to make me a little crazy. by little… well.

anyway. the kids are… kids. the interns are… interns. life is… life.

 

HA!

sorry. it’s hard to describe everything that’s going on in a few words. so maybe soon, i’ll get back on here with more pictures. :)