Posts Tagged ‘love’

this weekend, and this week, have been full.

i’ve been surrounded by people- good, great, people but nonetheless, a lot of them.

i’ve been reminded to connect with the artist in me.

i’ve been reminded to be courageous.

i’ve been reminded that who i am is enough.

it’s been good, it’s also been pretty tough.

being at the summit, and just not knowing if i’ll ever see some of these people ever again… that was really hard yesterday. even if i only see them for two days, once a year, some of those people are precious for all that. because we are a family, we’re a community. and so i don’t mind giving up things for this family, i don’t begrudge the extra time. sure, sometimes i moan and complain about it, but hard work and long hours are in my blood, and when it’s something that i believe in, and somewhere that i love, and filled with people who believe in and love the same things i do… well, that’s just the icing on the cake.

i wrote some poetry, i made some art, i felt some connections.

IMGP8952

it was good.

(i wrote this poem during one of the sessions when i should have been paying attention… but Jessie, from Miami, had given me such a powerful image that it just had to get out. so. here.)

(i couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the extra lines that keep getting put in there, so it’s a lot more spacious that i intended. well. that’s ok. the real spacing/ formatting is here)

a tree (inspired by Jessie. and Psalm 1.3, Jeremiah 17.8)

She will be like a tree planted by the river

sending her roots deep into the water.

She will be like a tree –grown from a seed, planted firmly.

She will be like a tree, strong trunk, firmly planted, weathering the storm, unafraid of drought, or heat, with roots… rooted in the deep.

rooted in the deep, deep water. wading through the shallows, cutting through the dirt, settled in the deep waters.

rooted.

She will be like a tree grown by a river, ringed by sorrows.

ringed by joys.

fed on the dirt, the dank, the underbelly of the earth.

fed, rooted, planted in the dirt, in the reality of life, of community,

rooted through the throw-away, the decomposing, the shit. reaching deep, bringing forth the newness of life.

She is a tree, planted deep in the water.

currents move, things flow, seasons change and She.

Is.

Rooted.

She is a tree planted by the river with roots planted deep in the water.

heat and drought come, but She will still produce fruit.

ringed: ringed with life. ringed with the holy & the present & the mud & the dirt & the grime & the fruit…?

the fruit                       is good.

She is a tree, a tall, sheltering, productive tree, lined and ringed with a life fully lived.

planted firmly in the mire by a river, flowing, living, changing, and her roots go deep. and her fruit is good.

you.

are a tree replanted in eden. bearing fresh fruit every month. never dropping a leaf. always

in

blossom.

 

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this life is quite a rollercoaster.

i’m in the midst of a stomach-churning unknowning. a lot of you know this about me: i am not a natural decision maker. i don’t like to say that this is what i want.

whether that’s because i feel unworthy of it, or because i value your opinion more than my own… i don’t know, but i do know that i am not good at making decisions.

and yet.

yet, i have been here, here, in this place for four years. and at several times i have chosen, and articulated that choice, to be here. i want to keep seeing the good work that is growing here.

but then the unknowning comes in. i do not have permission to remain here indefinitely. so i have to work through the system in order to do what i have chosen to do.

this is why i don’t make decisions: it’s so much work. and it’s tiring, and messy and disappointing. and i have no control.

so, i’m waiting, sitting in the tension. i’ve filed to extend my visa, and the governnment is wary. they want to know more, they’re pushing back against us. we have another shot, one that i’ll grasp with both hands, the last chance to choose this thing.

but if that fails? if this piece of my life is over…. pheeeuw.

there’s a ball of lead sitting in my stomach. i don’t know how to articulate these things. i love this, what life is right now, but i am also so excited to see friends in scotland/the uk. but if i leave like this, i’ll be overwhelmed with sorrow. and yet, there are so many great opportunities out there. but what about longevity? about being stable, creating and providing safe spaces?

but, but, but, but… 

there is nothing that is further from my control. there is nothing i feel more things about. there are so many tiny tiny threads connecting my heart to each of these possibilities…

yet… the bigger thread, the one that i am learning to lean upon, give my trust to, dangle unknowingly from… is the one that connects me to Jesus and his purpose.

sometimes, that’s enough. knowing that Jesus has me.

sometimes, that just makes my throat itchy, makes me want to run and scream, and say ‘NO! let me have THIS thing. screw you! i want what i WANT.’ 

there have been a lot of deep breaths, of long silences inside my head. of feeling… how do i burden you with this… and yet, how do i not?

there are a lot of people involved. some of them know, some are aware of the things that are swirling. some, a lot, important people- my kids- are not fully informed. last they knew, i was applying for a new visa. and the deadline was approaching. they don’t really understand what that even means. i haven’t yet told them that there is a real possibility that this may not work out the way we want it to.

how do i tell them? especially… how do i tell them without breaking down and just freaking them the fuck out? (sorry mum.)

i’m having a hard time concentrating on work. at least on anything that is not relating to kids or people. but i’ll get it done. because as a good friend said: we will do our best for you, because we love you. so i’m taking her lead.

and i’m going to keep choosing. choosing resurrection. choosing relationship. choosing love. choosing open-handedness. choosing to trust.

god have mercy.

on joy

Posted: August 4, 2013 in life
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these thoughts have been mulling around in my head for the last week or so. this is where i’m leaning into.

i wrote that last post amidst wrestling with the consequences of working with kids and teens who have never experienced loving boundaries. i wrote it from a place of scared frustration. and it is all true, these are the things that i am struggling with and learning from the most right now. but there are also so many things that are cause for great joy and celebration.

one ‘something’, that i’ve realised this week, is that i have gotten to be here for the long run. it is an incredible honour and privilege to be part of these kids lives on a regular basis. to know that the majority have seen the whole of me, that we’ve built relationships of trust, and that they understand that i’m doing what i can. it’s nowhere near perfect, but i’ve been given this gift of relational ministry time for this period of my life, and i love it.

it’s been four years, and i still love what i do. i think that says something. that even in the midst of the frustrations, and although there are days that i can i think of a million other things i’d way rather be doing, at the end of each day, i know that i’m taking steps toward creating safety for a group of kids who need it. and i’m getting to know them. and they’re getting to know me, and so see my heart, and hopefully something of what the kingdom looks like.

i was encouraged these past weeks by friends, and interns. i had sent out an email expressing some of the ways that i was being challenged and stretched this summer, and one of the responses allowed me to breathe again. it helped open up my lungs, gave me a chance to see grace, to feel justice. to move with mercy.

i think a lot about what to say to these kids, and so often i get caught up in the rush of all the other stuff we need to do, but this week, i took the time out to really talk to them, about the way that i’ve experienced Gods love, and the way that we’re seeking to show that to them.

living a life of mercy, walking the path of peace, generating justice, seeking grace? these are things that i hope i never forget to do. i hope that i will always seek Jesus face in the faces before me.

i will begin again

Posted: January 14, 2012 in life, people
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…and it’s 2012.

i’m not sure how that crept up on me so fast, yet it did, and if it continues as it began, i’m going to be very busy.

i started out this year with a bus driving test, which i passed, and so i’m now, officially, a bus driver. whaaat?!

i’ve already worked a couple late nights, and the year has barely begun. what does that say about how this job is going to go this year? no less busy.

i did get a new office, and the chance to actually sit with whats going on at my program and make it good. i got the chance to start he year with a clean building, with the remnants of the past few years cleared out. which is so lovely. and means i can really kick butt with my interns. haha.

but the thing that i love most about the way this new year started? that i could be surrounded by friends and family. that even though many of my favouritest people are so far away, i can still be thinking of them, looking at pictures of their faces on my office walls, reading words that they’ve written, listening to music that reminds me of them, and even talking to them on the phone. (resolutions for this year? rest with people more often. take time to call or write or sit quietly with people more often. worry less about things not getting done. take more pictures. love myself well. love others well. be well.)

i’m looking forward to this year. i think it will all be spent in the US of A. i’m excited to see where i’ll go, who i’ll go with this year.

i think you’ll see more of me here.

i hope so, anyway.

Easter

Posted: April 13, 2009 in life, love
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I’ve been reading through John recently, and on the last three days of the last (working) week, i read each of the other three accounts of the path from the last supper to the resurrection. 

 

through all the pain and suffering and shame that Jesus endured. 

and then yesterday, on Easter Sunday, i was honoured and privileged to go to church with one of my best friends. one of the girls with whom i have been ‘doing life’ these past four years. and it really was an honour. especially since this is nearly the end of the road as far as uni goes, as far as us living together goes, probably.. at least for the meantime. 

so it was beautiful to be able to sit next to her as she listened to jamie talking about the cross and why having Jesus in your life was a good thing and to be able to have conversations with her about why we pray, and what words of knowledge are and that God really does want to speak to people. 

whatever happens, i’m glad we could share that moment, that she got to be part of something that is so important to me, and that she actually enjoyed the experience… 

it was a humbling experience being able to meditate, at least somewhat, on the journey Jesus took, the weakness of His disciples, the fact that He knew Judas was plotting to betray Him, yet allowed him to partake of the bread and wine. i know that so often i have betrayal in my heart before i go up for communion, and i thank God that i am allowed to confess it and still be considered a daughter of the King. it just blows my mind. 

 

so. a few things have been going on since the start of lent… i’m off to the US of A in september for ten months (after that.. well, God knows), i habd in dissertation a week today (so why am i on here? procrastinator!) i’ve discovered just how amazing youtube is… there are some genius videos on there. been enjoying some new music. made some more things. enjoyed the friendship of a lot of people.. lots of life stuff. 

i’m sure you’ll hear more as i return (slowly, i hope) to this space… in the mean time, enjoy this video..

procrastination

Posted: February 19, 2009 in everything else, love
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is an art that i have developed over three and a half years at uni. 

i suck at doing what needs done. 

i suck at prioritising uni work. 

and when i know i am not being productive, i tend to get moody. easily irritable. 

i’m listening to bon iver and just enjoying the flow of the music. the way it draws you in, and sometimes i need that. i need to remember to relax, to just take it easy and enjoy the time i have left at uni and in this state of there not being too much expected of me, and yet there being an expectation to do my best at what i’m pursuing. and while i’m sure i’ll get through it, get round to the work, that i do work better under pressure, there’s a certain point that i get to where i realise, this is not what God created me for, he didn’t create me so i could go about his work half-heartedly, but fully devoted. 

so the season of lent is coming up. and i’ve not decided which combination of things i am giving up/taking up as disciplines this year, but whatever they are, its all going to be God centred. at least, thats the aim. 

love God and love people.

quote unquote miss miller. 

today has been one of those lovely days filled with nice people and good conversations… 

dave and gordon, i will think of questions and post them here soon… but they deserve some thinking… :) 

that was all i wanted to say. 

here look at a photo instead: 

pretty ladies

hallelujah

Posted: December 26, 2008 in life, love, people, religion/relationship
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the watchnight service this year was about celebration. i think its the first watchnight service in a really long time that was actually about the season we are in..(that i’ve been to/ been a part of anyway..) that was about the celebration of the birth of this incredible little child that is the messiah of the world and the awe that the shepherds felt, the love that we should be extending to one another… i was just really glad to be there, though tired and probably overexcited about christmas the next morning… church on christmas morning was another lovely reminder of how we are all so different and yet we’re all part of the same family… so lets love the way we should, the way jesus does, the way he extolls us to. and like the unsung last verse of this years christmas no1, 

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

lets all stand before the lord of the world with our lives lifted up and hallelujah on our tongues. 

merry christmas.

in the interests of trying out this whole integrity, honesty, being who you really are thing thats been floating around among some of my friends…

today is, so far, a bad day. 

i don’t know why, there have been a few lovely moments, but currently as i write this, i am not in the christmas mood, i have a lot of work of various sorts to try and get my head round and i just read postsecret and cried. 

church was good this morning, but i just felt… off. there’s an incongrous neon dancing sign on the roof of one of the flsts out my window and that, for some reason just makes me sadder.. its all alone. and so am i- the flat is empty, laura just left, so its only me. i don’t think i would have coped with a flat on my own this year. 

this week has just been a bit strange overall, last week of term and last week of us all being together as a flat for 2008, kenny and i went out twice- dancing, and then i went out again last night with laura. and i really enjoyed myself, but i am feeling so incredibly single right now, and its been hard, though i’m not sure that its what i really want or whats right for now.. but still. all these people hooking up, getting married, going out.. much as i love all of that (and don’t get me wrong, i really do love all the couples in my life right now) i am just really not a part of it. and that is hard. so each time i was out..i was craving that affection. but me being me, i am no good at that game, so i just had a really nice night each time dancing with my friends. but as the week went on and i went out again and again (this is so unlike me, especially since i managed to last past 1am each time..) i was pushing those boundaries of how much i should drink. so while i was never comatose, nor was i ever really drunk, i was more tipsy than i’d wanted to be. 

friday night was weired too… i ended up at this gig (which was excellent, if you haven’t already, check out rosco, eskimogo and ben td they are awesome..) but i ended up on my own. and cos it was quite quiet… i don’t mind being on my own in a crowd, but this was more of a gathering. it was a night of good music though, so… 

wow, i haven’t written like this in a while. 

anyway. whew,i think i feel better already.. :) i think a nice cup of tea and some present making will do the trick..

do whatever turns you on

Posted: September 4, 2008 in life, love
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i like aberfeldy a lot. the place as well. i was talking about the band though.

in other news, my friends are getting married near aberfeldy. the place.

i have just spent a lot of my day tidying my room. it’s been needing it. and i feel good for doing it, though i’m not yet finished.

i’ve also been having a bit of a clean house as far as the big G is concerned. had a bit of a patch there where i read very little of my bible and was generally not very committed, but i read jonah yesterday and today and i think i might start micah tomorrow. i’m kinda excited about that.

oh and i got photos from the big P so i might post a few of those soon.. maybe.. :)

right, room to finish tidying…