Posts Tagged ‘music’

make me wish i was someone else

Posted: December 26, 2013 in life
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i’m listening to the weepies radio on pandora, as i do from time to time- most especially often in the darker months, it seems.

i’m trying hard to gather thoughts and stories and start forming them into a coherent whole- i’m the storyteller at my church meeting in two weeks time.

i’m breathing deeply, trying to appreciate all the moments for the beauty and weight that they have, without being upset that they will soon be over, and new ones will take their place.

i find myself walking and driving familiar paths and having to catch my breath because of the familiarity- that soon will be a memory.

i’m struggling here with the way to tell these stories. i spent a god amount of time today looking at pictures from the past year, organising some of them, andremembering the stories attached to them.

i feel like people hold the key to this story telling: who are the people who have had the most impact on me, and who are the people on whom i have had an impact- what story can i tell out of that? what did i give, what did i receive?

i hate (and love, but mostly hate) talking about myself- oh, i did this great thing, or that great thing. but it’s a story that should be told, right? i think. i think there’s value in this. how to talk about humility- how to talk about your job, your life, without sounding like a braggart, a know-it-all,i do this so much better than you.

every paragraph (until this one) began with ‘i’. ha! that’s funny.

in case you’re interested, all the pictures are on my google+ account, here


… i really should stop just posting lyrics

Posted: March 3, 2012 in Uncategorized
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but, this is so great.

used to anticipate the sign of the coming day. and all through winter’s decay, you just mark the way. we worry what people’d say if we up and walked away. i swore we had a place to stay.

stay.. that’s what mothers say when their sons and daughters go away. they say “stay.” my mother said “go.” so i wasn’t there the night she fell out of her chair so frustrated that she amputated her own legs, or rather tried to, with a steak knife. her life leaking out on the white floor blossoming like roses in the snow. her relationship was an anthem composed of words like “gotta go.” so we went. and sent our regards on postcards from all the places that we’d been, with stories about all the things we’d seen.
that’s how it was with you and i. why say goodbye when we could still write? and then we took your hands. but we should’ve practiced our goodbyes because then i took your eyes and i was somewhere in the middle of nowhere watching the sun rise over a stop sign faced down the center line of a highway filled with sudden turns for the worse.
coming back home cause i gotta play nurse. gotta figure out with pill alleviates which pain, which part of your brain is being used for a boxing bag as your body became a never-ending game of freeze tag taking place in an empty playground. i was left looking for your limbs at a lost and found and i couldn’t set you free.
so we just sat there, our heads bent towards each other like flowers in the small hours of the morning while light wandered in like a warning that time is passing and you ride a little home with it bit by bit every day. and all i could say is “if i could, i would write you some way out of this but my gift is useless.” and you said, “no. write me a poem to make me happy.”

over the hill and gone. and i’d never been that far. some boy along the way taught me to play guitar. and you said that you’d read to me if i fell asleep. rock me awake again, promise me. but you make such beautiful words.

i wrote “move, pen, move. write me a bedroom where cures make love to our cancers.” but my mother just motions to a bottle full of answers and says, “help me go.”
now i know something of how a piano must feel when it looks at the fireplace to see sheet music being used for kindling. smoke signaling the end of some song that i thought it would take too long to learn. so i just sit here watching you burn away.. all those notes that never had a chance to play, to hear the music of what you had to say.
but i count out the pills, just to see if i can do it. and i can’t even get halfway through it before i turn back into your son and say “stay.”

i need something to lean against. i think that’s okay. ‘butterflies,’ you read to me. they all flew away. and i’m saddened by the thought and sometimes i think too much and though i’m happy right here, you know that i’m really not.. it’s distracting.

i could hook up to my heart to your ears and let my tears be your morphine drip. and maybe it’s easier to let you slip away than it is to say goodbye, so i hold my breath. because in the countdown to death, the question of “why?” melts into “when? how much time do we have left?” because if i knew what i know now then move pen move. write me a mountain because headstones are not big enough. none of this is. stop it. “write me a poem to make me happy.” i swear write this, “stay.” she smiles and says “gotta go.” i know, goodbye.

over the years it seems that aging’s just not for me. though i ache just below the knees and it flows to my heart and all through the hearts i need. it’s not how it ought to be. you’re falling away from me. and it’s just not right. falling away from me. it’s not right. but you make such beautiful words.
now it’s trying. oh, how it’s tragic.
but you make such beautiful words.

i don’t wanna talk

Posted: February 12, 2012 in life
Tags: ,

I don’t wanna talk about Jesus
Just wanna see his face
The trees are swinging
Like hangin’ men
And I just wanna see his face

And rapture, sweet rapture
Won’t you lay your hands on me
For I am blind

Mary, take that silver dagger
Put it to my throat
You see that levy,
It’s a-bound to break
Put the children in the boat

And rapture, sweet rapture
Won’t you lay your hands on me

And rapture, sweet rapture
Won’t you lay your hands on me

i started listening to AA Bondy last week. and its probably the best thing i could have decided to do. i love his music. it’s been an exhausting couple weeks, and i have one more busy as all get out week ahead before i get a full week off. one full week! a WEEK! i’m pretty excited. i also know its going to go so fast. i’m hoping to make some good use of it. hang out with some friends, repair some strained relationships, be more available.

lent is coming up again. i think this year is going to be a journalling year. it’s going to be good for me, i think.


Posted: April 20, 2011 in lent

 so i made it to a hindi music festival the other week. i wished i had shalwar kameeze with me. but i didn’t, so instead i wore this. and had a blast with Kristin and Molly. and was encouraged in the random picture taking by a stranger. (‘taking lots of pictures is how you learn and get better, right?!’)

just wanted to share

Posted: August 25, 2009 in life
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this song with you.

it’s well worth a listen.

made cleaning the flat today much more enjoyable.


(the video is pretty sweet too.)

(if you’re so inclined, spotify the antlers, hospice. this is from that album. it takes some listening, but it is for sure a grower. i would pay money for this album.)

well, thanks for the overwhelming suggestions of things to listen to… ;)

holly keeps posting her recent spotify track choices.. so i’ve been following her choices. this week, i’ve listened to a lot of savage garden, juliet turner and laura marling. as well as the 90s music Jules found on an old computer… yay for Jet and blink-182. aaahhh.

anyway, this is me, i’ve still got about 4000 words to write and 2000 to cut. great.

but its ok cos i have juliet turner.

and illegal spoons.

no, i’m not leaving the blog world. but i am (oh,bad grammar) listening to new found glory. a remembrance of being a teenager. i’m hoping it’ll hekp me work better. so far, not so good. 


any good working music that you’d like to suggest?? or just any good music in general? i need help.

i love…

Posted: January 22, 2009 in everything else, love
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people. especially the ones that i call my friends and family. 

music. especially by bon iver, band of horses, fleet foxes, jo mango, the frames, foy vance. and a lot of other people. including ben td. he’s a little bit awesome. 

glasgow. especially when you get days like today where it’s been mostly dry and you can get outside. even if its just to the gym (swimming, hurrah) or the shops (food, yum). 

new things. especially when experienced with friends. nomy and i got our respective hairs cut yesterday. that was nice, and then we went for coffee and that was even nicer, especially because nomy didn’t really appreciate the shoulder massage she got pre-hair-wash. ha ha. 

colours. lots of colours. 

God. especially when i take time to sit with him and listen. even if that sometimes means i cry. 

You. :)

in the interests of trying out this whole integrity, honesty, being who you really are thing thats been floating around among some of my friends…

today is, so far, a bad day. 

i don’t know why, there have been a few lovely moments, but currently as i write this, i am not in the christmas mood, i have a lot of work of various sorts to try and get my head round and i just read postsecret and cried. 

church was good this morning, but i just felt… off. there’s an incongrous neon dancing sign on the roof of one of the flsts out my window and that, for some reason just makes me sadder.. its all alone. and so am i- the flat is empty, laura just left, so its only me. i don’t think i would have coped with a flat on my own this year. 

this week has just been a bit strange overall, last week of term and last week of us all being together as a flat for 2008, kenny and i went out twice- dancing, and then i went out again last night with laura. and i really enjoyed myself, but i am feeling so incredibly single right now, and its been hard, though i’m not sure that its what i really want or whats right for now.. but still. all these people hooking up, getting married, going out.. much as i love all of that (and don’t get me wrong, i really do love all the couples in my life right now) i am just really not a part of it. and that is hard. so each time i was out..i was craving that affection. but me being me, i am no good at that game, so i just had a really nice night each time dancing with my friends. but as the week went on and i went out again and again (this is so unlike me, especially since i managed to last past 1am each time..) i was pushing those boundaries of how much i should drink. so while i was never comatose, nor was i ever really drunk, i was more tipsy than i’d wanted to be. 

friday night was weired too… i ended up at this gig (which was excellent, if you haven’t already, check out rosco, eskimogo and ben td they are awesome..) but i ended up on my own. and cos it was quite quiet… i don’t mind being on my own in a crowd, but this was more of a gathering. it was a night of good music though, so… 

wow, i haven’t written like this in a while. 

anyway. whew,i think i feel better already.. :) i think a nice cup of tea and some present making will do the trick..

jings crivens

Posted: December 17, 2008 in life
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my neighbours are doing diy. both the ones below and to the right- ie directly through my bedroom wall. fun stuff. 

that wasn’t why i was going to write here though. i was walking home from the shop today, and i was just praying and y’know, pouring out things to God the way you do when its already raining and dark… and i just got to the point where i was like, God, what do you have to say to me… and this song came on.. and just summed up what i was feeling and maybe a bit of what God was saying to me too. so i thought i’d share, since its a lovely song and Jars of Clay do know what they’re doing when they write… 


Be still
Let your hand melt into mine
The part of me
That breathes when you breathe
Is losing time
I can’t find the words to say
I’ll never say goodbye

And I’ll fly with you
Through the night so you know
I’m not letting go
I’m not letting go
Tears like rain fill up the sky
Oh my love
I’m not letting go
I won’t let you go

I saw a host of silent angels
Waiting on their own
Knowing that all the promises
Of faith come alive 
When you see home
Hold still and let your
Hand melt into mine


Shed your heart and your breath
And your pain and fly
Now your alive

Now you’re alive
Now you’re alive
Now you’re alive

I won’t let you go
I’m not letting go