Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

make me wish i was someone else

Posted: December 26, 2013 in life
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i’m listening to the weepies radio on pandora, as i do from time to time- most especially often in the darker months, it seems.

i’m trying hard to gather thoughts and stories and start forming them into a coherent whole- i’m the storyteller at my church meeting in two weeks time.

i’m breathing deeply, trying to appreciate all the moments for the beauty and weight that they have, without being upset that they will soon be over, and new ones will take their place.

i find myself walking and driving familiar paths and having to catch my breath because of the familiarity- that soon will be a memory.

i’m struggling here with the way to tell these stories. i spent a god amount of time today looking at pictures from the past year, organising some of them, andremembering the stories attached to them.

i feel like people hold the key to this story telling: who are the people who have had the most impact on me, and who are the people on whom i have had an impact- what story can i tell out of that? what did i give, what did i receive?

i hate (and love, but mostly hate) talking about myself- oh, i did this great thing, or that great thing. but it’s a story that should be told, right? i think. i think there’s value in this. how to talk about humility- how to talk about your job, your life, without sounding like a braggart, a know-it-all,i do this so much better than you.

every paragraph (until this one) began with ‘i’. ha! that’s funny.

in case you’re interested, all the pictures are on my google+ account, here

can you tell i’m back on a song-lyrics-as-titles kick? (i’ve done this a few times over the years, but it never lasts as a permanent feature.)

today has been productive so far. i’ve not showered yet, but i am dressed, and covered in paint. bathroom wall and ceiling paint. hurrah, i have finally got around to painting the bathroom. not completely yet, because we don’t have masking tape, til mum comes home with it, but the first coat is pretty much done. yaaas!

clearly, i’m a pro, i had my music all ready, and the tools…

more proof, (as if you needed it) that i really am a pro…

and before you ask, not a kit-kat, but the tesco free-from version of one…

anyway, apart from the excitement of actually getting around to doing something that needed done, i’ve had a really good couple of days. i saw a friend on friday who reminded me of just how much fun we had at uni and yet how much neither of us really want to go back to that time. this part of our lives is so much more, taking those lessons and running with them .

saturday, we as a family headed up to Newport, our old village, where my brain was taxed trying to remember the difference between lattes and cappucinos, but it was really nice to see old friends and just fit again. we had dinner in st andrews, a place with a lot of memories for me, so that was a great way to round out the day.

on sunday mum had invited the students from Gorgie to lunch, so there were (including us) about 17 or 18 people in our not-huge flat eating the chicken curry and veg lasagne that mum and i had prepped and cooked in the preceding days. really enjoyed getting to know some of the gorgie lot better, and one conversation prompted todays second listening choice, Grizzly Bear.

then, hurrah! i got to talk to my friends in the US of A. a fact which made me very happy, and gave me some food for thought, which i’m sure you’ll hear about in a little bit.

monday, i met up with another friend who has known me through uni and who was my president when i was on committee for J-Hill. she’s currently doing relay and thinking about moving to turkey for a year to do homestart. it was awesome to wander along the canal with her and to hear about her year, what she’s been learning, struggling with, rejoicing about, and generally how she’s been doing. it was really good to be able to be asked those questions in return and do my best to open up in honesty to her. because she’s already had a year of my life being able to ask those questions and expect honesty. so that was fun.

finally, like what you like. not because you’re supposed to. who cares what everyone else thinks?

(my mum thought it’d be fun to take pictures of me first thing in the morning. bedhead. great. thanks mum. )

expectation

Posted: December 13, 2009 in life
Tags: ,

so, i’ve been in glasgow for a couple of days… and i still love this city. it’s incredible how normal it feels to be here, hanging out with my flatmates, seeing my old friends, having brilliant moustache parties (ok, actually, just one…) (darn bluetooth doesn’t want to let me send a photo… it was a great night… i had a great twirly moustache)

and yet… i am so excited to be back in camden on wednesday… i really really hope and pray that i’ll get through immigration.

ELF just came on channel 4. it is truly christmas time.

i’ve been hearing a lot about the expectation we have that christ is coming, especially now, in this third week of advent, and part of my expectation is that i will be doing what God has planned for me this next year. and yet this is a time when we’re waiting… (waiting really impatiently for news about visas…) for Jesus, for that tiny baby to come and be born and be the saviour of the world…

i was really really excited to be in church this morning, and to be reminded that this is a place where we are all accepted and we are all waiting for the culmination of this season…

i’m not really sure what my thoughts are at the moment, but there’s excitement for sure… and anticipation. a little fear. but trust that God will work this all out…

facebook in reality

Posted: July 7, 2009 in life
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i laughed at that.

in my real life, i graduated recently, and boy does that feel weird to say.

Jules and Laci have been tiling a friends kitchen this week, and so i went along to help.

i’ve started this post so many times now. and i want to have something to tell you, the internet. but right now my life consists of sitting in front of this computer trying to organise the rest of my life.

like, yesterday, i spent a really long time trying to work out howto make little origami boxes. it’s pretty easy as it turns out, just need to work out you translate that for a bunch of romanian teenagers. and teach the rest of the teams. i also made eight posters. i also drew a moses basket in the bulrushes. and made a strawberry shortcake cake that fell apart a bit (alright, the top fell to pieces all over my table) but that i still cobbled together and while it doesn’t look pretty, it’s pretty tasty. or maybe that just cos it’s full of sugar.

it’s possible that in the midst of all the busyness, i’m feeling like ‘fail’. like i’m finding it hard to do things right, to get my life on track. i’m scared about the future (i think, i hope, i pray that i’m going to be in america for the next year or so, but right now that’s in God’s hands and i’m scared) and about uncertainty, i’m scared of disappointing people, of ‘letting the side down’, of having not been prepared enough. i guess i’m mostly scred of what i’m letting go. the things that i want to hang on to, and the things that i’m having to let go of.

i really want to hold tight to my friendships and relationships in and with this city, this country. i’m learning to let go. but its hard. because what am i letting go for? new relationships? that’s scary. new relationships in a new city, in a new country? that’s even more scary.

and ok, i have been given a great capacity to make friends, but those deep lifelong friendsips don’t come along so often, and i don’t want to miss out.

i think mostly i’m beginning to learn to let go of my selfishness. i want to stay here and be an important part of other peoples days. i like being needed and wanted, and i guess i’m scared that i lose out on that being away.

i think thats a good lesson for me to learn though.

there are lots of new starts going on round here too though. a new kitchen for my friends. some weddings, some new chances- new flats, new relationships, new experiences.

summer is a time to be refreshed, to relax, to enjoy, to just be. i think i need to learn to be more often.

but then there are all the endings, moving out of my flat, finishing uni, saying goodbye, all the scary things that are going on.

so i’m not sure what i really wanted to say from all of this. that i’m scared but excited, and feeling really challenged by this:

cross adore

(one of our posters for camp)

procrastination

Posted: February 19, 2009 in everything else, love
Tags: , , ,

is an art that i have developed over three and a half years at uni. 

i suck at doing what needs done. 

i suck at prioritising uni work. 

and when i know i am not being productive, i tend to get moody. easily irritable. 

i’m listening to bon iver and just enjoying the flow of the music. the way it draws you in, and sometimes i need that. i need to remember to relax, to just take it easy and enjoy the time i have left at uni and in this state of there not being too much expected of me, and yet there being an expectation to do my best at what i’m pursuing. and while i’m sure i’ll get through it, get round to the work, that i do work better under pressure, there’s a certain point that i get to where i realise, this is not what God created me for, he didn’t create me so i could go about his work half-heartedly, but fully devoted. 

so the season of lent is coming up. and i’ve not decided which combination of things i am giving up/taking up as disciplines this year, but whatever they are, its all going to be God centred. at least, thats the aim. 

love God and love people.

quote unquote miss miller. 

today has been one of those lovely days filled with nice people and good conversations… 

dave and gordon, i will think of questions and post them here soon… but they deserve some thinking… :) 

that was all i wanted to say. 

here look at a photo instead: 

pretty ladies

friendly graffiti

i was introduced to this band, the frames, by a girl i met last night. best piece of advice i’ve had in recent saturdays i think. 

i was looking rather like cindi lauper at the time. 

i really love my degree, though i do moan from time to time. i also really love my friends and my family and the little community of people around me here in this beautiful city. 

its fun that i get to do silly things like spend several days making leaves out of felt for an art class and that i get to be part of a group creating a silly drama piece and i just get to enjoy being in glasgow, even though it is getting stupidly cold now. 

i also love being able to go for coffee with friends, hear how they’re getting on, how their lives are going… 

i’ve finally sent off my application for urban promise, hurrah.. man it is weird to know that at the end of june next year (2009, baby! it’s approaching so fast!) i’ll be 22 and a graduate… and possibly making plans to head out to the states for ten months… seems like yesterday my sister was making plans to head out to america, and now maybe its my shot. 

this weekend has been interesting- a fair few surprises in it- people i didn’t expect to see, conversations i didn’t know i’d be having, productivity i didn’t know i was lacking. but its been a good weekend, though i did get the cold. but i have a nice red jacket to compensate. maybe that’ll stop me getting the cold again… :) 

i was unexpectedly blessed recently and its been on my mind and heart about who/how to pass some of that blessing on. interestingly the sermon today was on money. and while it was a good sermon, there was no divine inspiration. 

i feel like i’m just grasshoppering from subject to subject, so i apologise. have been doing some room tidying, though its by no means a complete or particularly thorough job, but its ok, i’m used to people being shocked at just how messy i can be. apparently, if a hurricane hit, you wouldn’t notice the difference… thanks nomy. 

anyway, since i can tell you’re just longing for more pictures of felt, here are two shots from when i was testing the installation of my art project…. 

3 leaves of 50

close up grey/pink leaf

once all 50 are finished and they all get hung together i think they’ll look awesome. if you’re interested i will tell you what/when/where this is all in aid of and roughly how long they’ll be hanging… 

cheerio chums.

PS i had a whole thought process about advent and how much expectation there should be in this season for us… just waiting and hoping for the messiah to be born… its an anxious anticipation.. i’m hoping to really grasp that this year…

i really like to listen to a whole album. i used to be a bit of a sucker for the old “shuffle” button on itunes, but now, i’d much rather choose one artist and enjoy their work for a decent period of time. so this week, since tuesday probably, i had a bit of a cobalt season kick going on… on the computer, in the car.. today its been all about the shins and some rosie thomas. who knows where i’ll go next. but it sure as heck won’t be shuffle.

the sky outside is beautiful today. the bus was fun back from dundee.. a bit busy, but ok. i had two aberdeen wifies sitting behind me, chattering on, it was fun to hear the accent and be able to place it- it was definitely a north accent. had a nice peaceable afternoon of just listening to music and surfing blogs- i know, i should really be getting on with doing something about my essays that are due in in like four weeks? it doesn’t really bear thinking about, but i’m sure i’ll get it together before then.

it was really nice to be home for a couple days, saw mum and dad and a couple of other folks from the village and very briefly roz and jak. it’s always a bit funny seeing folk from school again.

mum was saying yesterday how they feel like their roots have very definitely been cut from newport- when they first moved there it was because they felt called to do so and now they’re being called away. and i can understand that, mum was saying how it was like they just didn’t know everything that was going on, that although they were still involved to a certain extent and they still had good friendships, they were at a remove now, they didn’t know everything that was going on.. and when i moved to Glasgow i guess thats what happened to my friends from school. i still care what they’re doing and i’m still interested to know whats going on for them, but also i am distanced, i don’t know whats happening. i don’t really know them anymore, the people they’re becoming, the things they’ve done, how their lives are and i need to accept that and not be jealous that they’ve all moved on, because i have moved on. i have, and i know it. and now my parents are going to edinburgh, i’ll not really ever be in fife again. life takes you on a funny old path.

glasgow has been really good for me though. i’ve found a really good bunch of friends- people i never thought i’d end up being friends with, politics geeks, science geeks, social workers, artists, just this crazy mix of people who are really good for me, who care and who challenge me. its incredible how many christian friends i have now too.. this is a novelty for me, who went through school with very few christian friends, certainly none in my immediate circle of friends, so to have people who mirror Christ in their lives is amazing. but there’s just such a diversity, such a good mix of people in glasgow and in my life that i just love. i love spending time with people… all people.

anyway, those are just the thoughts buzzing round my head… i just finished reading Jesus for President. man that is an amazing book. (thanks emma! think debbie is going to borrow it too… thats ok, right?) i honestly sat in my chair looking out over thornwoodand weeping. just at the humility and beauty of the people and their lives detailed in this book. there are so many things in that that i just want to copy, to say, yes, i’ll do that too, i’ll stand for peace, i’ll be subordinate to the law, just not obedient except to the risen Lord. its a big challenge and i have a lot to think about.